(ex?) Boy [later named, "Asp"] made a cameo in my Friday night, and after some talking, some silence, some talk of how I’d “planned to be meaner,” and some chain smoking, I came to the conclusion that a definition of relationship needs to happen. I know for a fact that things can not go back to the way they were— that whole title-less existence was awesome when I was sixteen and when making out in the back seat of a shiny red Mustang was cool, but apparently some time in the last three years nature decided to make me grow up and start having feelings.
I know, it shocked me too.
I suppose this Asp was my first breakup? Kind of? Sure, I’d dated the infamous “same hair” boy, who I dumped via text message at the bittersweet age of 15, and then there was aforementioned title-less Mustang guy, who I never really dated, so I never really had to break up with, but Asp is different.
We had our first “talk” (read: 72 hour break up) which was sad and left me with that sinking stomach feeling that people in movies always talk about, but less than three days later we both decided that our mutual breakup was mutually not going to work.
Then he did his cowardly shit and we didn’t talk for a week, and then Friday night happened. Long awkward story short, he’s still in my life but this time he needs a purpose. Unlike most girls who simply have boys in the “friend zone” and the “dating zone,” I’ve got a few more options:
Gay Zone: This zone is for the wonderful “outdoorsy” men in my life who accept that I have lady parts that make me batshit crazy, and love me in spite of my, “indoor* entertainment district.” We talk about boys, we bitch about girls, we snuggle, and we’re as disgusting as Newlyweds— it’s perfect. This is a good zone.
I could put Asp in this zone (with a few modifications), and it would mean he could still spend the nights here and cuddle.
* Credit to Jake for that God-awful analogy.
Fuck Buddy Zone: This zone is pretty self explanatory. This is for the men in my life who I just want to make out with (*wink*) on a Friday night. We do not cuddle and we do not have feelings. I kick it skanky high school style with these boys. I could put boy in this zone, and I think we all know what it would mean: it would mean we wouldn’t cuddle or have sleepovers anymore.
Friend Zone: BOO BOOORING. This means we hang out… sometimes. It means he becomes the boy I text when I don’t know how to act around another boy. Which, let’s be honest, sucks. I don’t care if we decide that hand holding doesn’t work out, it still means there was hand holding in the past and that he doesn’t want to know if I hand touch other boys, just like I sure as shit don’t want to know if he’s hand touching other girls.
I could put Asp here but it would mean I’d probably have to work really hard not to get all crazy jealous best friend on his future
Commitment Zone: This means we hang out, make out, and cuddle. SHIT SON, IS THIS THE BEST OF ALL ZONES? I CAN HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO (no pun intended)!? BUT I DON’T DATE! WHAT?!?!?!?!
I could put Asp here, but it’d mean I’d have to be ballsy enough to tell him how I feel even though I’m having a little trouble trusting his still-in-the-doghouse ass. Also, it means I have to go back to holding in farts, and I’m just not sure how I feel about that.
I’m just not sure what to do. I guess he gets a say in it too, but I should probably figure out who I’m voting for in this election too, right?