There will be times in every persons life when they find themselves sobbing at 2am and praying that no one will find them in their state of puffy, teary-eyed woe. That'd be me right now. My brave face had been nicely packed away since I'd moved back to school, and I'd almost forgotten it existed until tonight.
There's something all too real about coming home.
Seeing someone who has an illness in their own home (even if said home was your former residence) is much different than seeing someone with an illness on your own turf.
My Mom is everything to me. She is the bravest, most beautiful woman I've ever met-- and I happily embrace all of her quirks that I acquire as the years pass. But having Multiple Sclerosis, even for someone as brave and strong as my mom, is still a scary scary thing.
To her, hospital visits happen so frequently that she gauges them on a "need to call the kid" and "we'll just tell her about it later" scale.
Tonight was a "we'll just tell her about it later" night.
I didn't know anything was wrong-- my mom and I were having a lovely post-work, 1:00am chat, and she casually mentioned that she'd been in the hospital just hours before.
Another allergic reaction to a drug. They decided not to call me because it wasn't too serious-- but the tiny fact that she had to be rushed to a hospital was serious enough for me to be blindsided by my overwhelming amounts of fear.
I can't decide if her allergic reaction is scarier, or if I'm more frightened by her being so nonchalant about it.
I finally said the thing that I've avoided saying all along: I'm scared.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
A Bit Off The Beaten Path... (Can't get my real non-anon blog working, so I'm drafting here)
Saturday, September 17th. 3:35 PM.
I've been locked up in my bedroom all morning (er... afternoon) enjoying my usual meal of steak, waffles, french fries, and of course, Scotch--kidding, but ten bonus points for the Anchorman fans who caught that reference.
I have, actually, been locked in my room all morning. Being a full-time student and working two jobs definitely gets tiring, so I enjoy my alone time, but it has been brought to my attention that I turn into a bit of a hermit on weekends after a stressful week. And, according to one of my roommates (from here on out we'll refer to him as "Social Butterfly") is something that I shouldn't necessarily be proud of.
As I shuffled out of my bedroom at 3:15PM, I was greeted by "Social Butterfly" who promptly noticed that I had not yet showered and proceeded to ask me (in his most condescending voice) exactly how many episodes of 30 Rock I had watched since waking up.
Six, thank you very much. I have watched six episodes of 30 Rock, have purchased a new paint easel for my Sim, Levar Burton, and ate a pudding cup.
Okay, two pudding cups. Stop harassing me, okay?
Now, I will be the first one to own up and say that I am a professional grandma. My idea of a fun Friday night, being in bed by eleven and drinking a cup of tea and reading a book before lights out at midnight. I might do a little knitting if I'm feeling wild, but I usually reserve that for special occasions. I'm 19 going on 90, and I have no problem with this, but there's got to be more to life than work and school, right?
Now, I am by no means and anti-social person, let me tell you this. My favorite past times include spontaneous road trips with friends, organizing events for friends, and just hanging around friends. I do have friends-- real friends. Promise. But, how does one balance a social life, sixteen hours of classes, and trying to make enough money waiting tables and answering phones to pay rent AND eat? Well, it's a delicate balance that I have not yet mastered, but I have learned a few things in my year and a half here, and I will pass my wisdom on to you, young Padawans.
B's Ever Growing List of Advice For College Kids Part One:
1. Don't sleep on couches.
You may think that you're spry and able with that rockin' young adult body of yours, but 7 hours on a love seat that is three feet shorter than you and smells like a post-flu haver's toilet is not equal to 7 hours in a bed that's made for someone your size. If you're going to have a late night, make sure you get home safely. You'll thank me in the morning.
2. Don't go on online shopping binges.
I can't tell you how many times I would hold off from shopping with friends in an attempt to save money just to come home and blow thirty bucks on Amazon DVDs and Apps from iTunes. Credit cards aren't magic money, so save yourself the stress and budget with credit like you budget with debit and cash.
3. Don't procrastinate.
I do it (I'm doing it right now), but I'm telling you not to do it. So don't.
4. Have a friend you can cry to.
I would be nothing without my best friends. There is a chain of command amongst the three bests-- Obama, Biden, and Condoleezza Rice.
Obama sees me at my craziest and we've established that we are "real friends" because she's seen me in full-blown cranky mode and we can still manage to love each other. Also, she and I have common interests like seeing who can go the longest without showering before other people start to notice, and how much Burger King we can eat before our stomachs fill with shame-- stuff real friends do.
Biden, comes second in the chain not because I love her less than Obama, but she has a lower threshold for crazy. She's seen me cry, but we try to reserve the crazy times for special occasions like birthdays and finals week. We too have common interests like being overly creepy towards one another and having fake marital spats in public.
And finally there's, Condoleezza Rice, who is no less loved than Obama and Biden, and who has probably seen me cry more times than the others based on the longevity of our relationship, but who has a schedule that tends to conflict directly with mine. Condy and I have long, painful spaces between our encounters, but I know for a fact that this girl will be there to play me a ridiculous love song and lend me a sad Ro-Co* when I need it the most. Our common interests include loudly proclaiming our love for one another and feigning unresolved sexual tension.
*Romantic Comedy
In a nut shell, my friends rock, and we all share a lot of really creepy and moderately shameful pastimes. They love me despite my craziness, and have never once tried to change me for their own selfish purposes. Now, these are not my only friends, I've got many John Archibald Campbells and other high ranking sergeants in my chain of command, but Obama, Biden and Condy definitely stand above the rest.
5. Relax.
If your favorite way to unwind is to dance around in your living room to show tunes while wearing nothing but your underwear and a feather boa, then by all means do it, and do it often. Preservation of sanity is the number one challenge in college. You may think that that exam over the quadratic consciousness of extraterrestrials in relation to the euphoric tendencies of bacon to the third power is going to eat your lunch, yourself, and your family, but if you take some time to turn off your mind, relax, and float down stream, you may find that that that test is just triangular aliens battling lots of really well-cooked bacon. What I'm saying is take time to relax-- it makes the crazy things seem less crazy when your head is clear.
Now, I have managed to make it to 5:00 without showering or having any social interaction. I'm going to get myself cleaned up and head out to the living room. Who knows what kind of adventure I'll get myself into.
I've been locked up in my bedroom all morning (er... afternoon) enjoying my usual meal of steak, waffles, french fries, and of course, Scotch--kidding, but ten bonus points for the Anchorman fans who caught that reference.
I have, actually, been locked in my room all morning. Being a full-time student and working two jobs definitely gets tiring, so I enjoy my alone time, but it has been brought to my attention that I turn into a bit of a hermit on weekends after a stressful week. And, according to one of my roommates (from here on out we'll refer to him as "Social Butterfly") is something that I shouldn't necessarily be proud of.
As I shuffled out of my bedroom at 3:15PM, I was greeted by "Social Butterfly" who promptly noticed that I had not yet showered and proceeded to ask me (in his most condescending voice) exactly how many episodes of 30 Rock I had watched since waking up.
Six, thank you very much. I have watched six episodes of 30 Rock, have purchased a new paint easel for my Sim, Levar Burton, and ate a pudding cup.
Okay, two pudding cups. Stop harassing me, okay?
Now, I will be the first one to own up and say that I am a professional grandma. My idea of a fun Friday night, being in bed by eleven and drinking a cup of tea and reading a book before lights out at midnight. I might do a little knitting if I'm feeling wild, but I usually reserve that for special occasions. I'm 19 going on 90, and I have no problem with this, but there's got to be more to life than work and school, right?
Now, I am by no means and anti-social person, let me tell you this. My favorite past times include spontaneous road trips with friends, organizing events for friends, and just hanging around friends. I do have friends-- real friends. Promise. But, how does one balance a social life, sixteen hours of classes, and trying to make enough money waiting tables and answering phones to pay rent AND eat? Well, it's a delicate balance that I have not yet mastered, but I have learned a few things in my year and a half here, and I will pass my wisdom on to you, young Padawans.
B's Ever Growing List of Advice For College Kids Part One:
1. Don't sleep on couches.
You may think that you're spry and able with that rockin' young adult body of yours, but 7 hours on a love seat that is three feet shorter than you and smells like a post-flu haver's toilet is not equal to 7 hours in a bed that's made for someone your size. If you're going to have a late night, make sure you get home safely. You'll thank me in the morning.
2. Don't go on online shopping binges.
I can't tell you how many times I would hold off from shopping with friends in an attempt to save money just to come home and blow thirty bucks on Amazon DVDs and Apps from iTunes. Credit cards aren't magic money, so save yourself the stress and budget with credit like you budget with debit and cash.
3. Don't procrastinate.
I do it (I'm doing it right now), but I'm telling you not to do it. So don't.
4. Have a friend you can cry to.
I would be nothing without my best friends. There is a chain of command amongst the three bests-- Obama, Biden, and Condoleezza Rice.
Obama sees me at my craziest and we've established that we are "real friends" because she's seen me in full-blown cranky mode and we can still manage to love each other. Also, she and I have common interests like seeing who can go the longest without showering before other people start to notice, and how much Burger King we can eat before our stomachs fill with shame-- stuff real friends do.
Biden, comes second in the chain not because I love her less than Obama, but she has a lower threshold for crazy. She's seen me cry, but we try to reserve the crazy times for special occasions like birthdays and finals week. We too have common interests like being overly creepy towards one another and having fake marital spats in public.
And finally there's, Condoleezza Rice, who is no less loved than Obama and Biden, and who has probably seen me cry more times than the others based on the longevity of our relationship, but who has a schedule that tends to conflict directly with mine. Condy and I have long, painful spaces between our encounters, but I know for a fact that this girl will be there to play me a ridiculous love song and lend me a sad Ro-Co* when I need it the most. Our common interests include loudly proclaiming our love for one another and feigning unresolved sexual tension.
*Romantic Comedy
In a nut shell, my friends rock, and we all share a lot of really creepy and moderately shameful pastimes. They love me despite my craziness, and have never once tried to change me for their own selfish purposes. Now, these are not my only friends, I've got many John Archibald Campbells and other high ranking sergeants in my chain of command, but Obama, Biden and Condy definitely stand above the rest.
5. Relax.
If your favorite way to unwind is to dance around in your living room to show tunes while wearing nothing but your underwear and a feather boa, then by all means do it, and do it often. Preservation of sanity is the number one challenge in college. You may think that that exam over the quadratic consciousness of extraterrestrials in relation to the euphoric tendencies of bacon to the third power is going to eat your lunch, yourself, and your family, but if you take some time to turn off your mind, relax, and float down stream, you may find that that that test is just triangular aliens battling lots of really well-cooked bacon. What I'm saying is take time to relax-- it makes the crazy things seem less crazy when your head is clear.
Now, I have managed to make it to 5:00 without showering or having any social interaction. I'm going to get myself cleaned up and head out to the living room. Who knows what kind of adventure I'll get myself into.
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